Back in 2020, I found myself at the proverbial rock bottom of grief

I had already lost my dad in 2018 and then my brother in Feb 2020, mom in April 2020 – a close friend/former mentee business partner to suicide (she was number 8 of 12 total friends to suicide) in Dec 2019…..

And I was drowning myself in “busy-ness”

Workaholism with back to back meetings ALL HOURS of the day (sometimes starting at 530 a.m. til 7 or 9 p.m.)

I was numbing out 6 ways til Sunday

I was on the hamster wheel default mode network of life (and even pondering my own early death)

Thankfully, I was able to get help from plant medicines, spiritual teachers, breathwork, somatic facilitators, kundalini yoga, recommitting to meditation daily and the list goes on

One of the HARDEST realizations I had during that time was realizing that I had lost my JOY

Remember Joy?

She lived in me as a child…with bubbles of laughter (and usually the loud, obnoxious variety), dancing, singing, skipping, playfulness….and as I got older sexiness/pleasure/enJoyment of LIFE and all it has to offer us

However, since I didn’t know how to recover or transmute my grief (or, heck, even ALLOW it to move through me), I found myself blocked/stuck and honestly didn’t remember “her” at all

But Joy came back into my life full throttle this past year, even amidst more grief that I am not privy to go into all of right now.

Once I let go

Once I broke my heart WIDE OPEN and cried and cried and cried (truly a lot these past 4 years of deep healing and release)….she came back

She flooded my body/cells/heart/mind again

I felt a RUSH through my body and natural laughter from the belly came roaring through

It caused me to pause and look back

Realizing, WOW, I had NOT been operating from true authentic deep belly laughter joy since maybe 2014?

What I got to realize was that for nearly 12-13 years, I was operating MORE from grief/trauma versus joy

What is the difference you might ask?

When one is operating from grief or trauma, they isolate and start comparing themselves and competing or self defeating their abilities.

I started to NOT trust my abilities and follower the “herd”.  I became a sheeple and had mentors and coaches in my life whom I believed were the “guru” or expert and that anytime my intuition questioned something that didnt sound quite right…..well, who am I to question THEM?

I shut down my voice in my marriage and just went about in autopilot mode….not honoring my needs or voice almost EVER.  Which wasn’t fair to my partner, my kids OR myself

I overdid EVERYTHING (alcohol, networking, business, texting, smart phone use, social media, etc) – and didn’t really ever put my oxygen mask on or honor myself with true rest, play, FUN.

When one is operating from grief or trauma, they say YES way too the hell often to everyone else and NO to anything that truly matters.    People pleasing, fawning, no boundaries were where I stayed for far too long, until it nearly could have killed me.

I looked at Facebook or any social media platform too much and compared myself and where I was at too often….even keeping up with everyone in the posting how “awesome” my life is “game” 🙂  

Can you relate to any of this?

Here’s the good news!

You don’t have to stay there unless you CHOOSE to

I reclaimed my power in all of the above once I found grief recovery tools and daily practices

It was a tad painful at first because I had to take radical responsibility for my behaviors, my addictions, my neglect of myself and my kids/partner, my body/mind.

It required deep deep shadow work and deep deep self love

AND a whole helluva lot of patience and support

This journey was not done alone

And required a lot of sweat, oceans of tears and release from my body/mind and deep reconnection to my Spirit within

AND the rewards???

Bliss, joy, peace and kundalini shakti GALORE!

Sometimes I am still in awe of where the joy shows up

Often in the simple things, that I used to miss and take for granted

The clouds, the stars, the smell of the flowers

The windchimes, the leaves, the laughter of my kids

I am creating and attracting more and more DEEPLY fulfilling FRIENDSHIPS

I have made MAJOR life changing decisions that rectified the previous decisions that were stifling my joy

I have created more passion/joy in my CAREER and leaned into my purpose and some of my witchy magical skills that I was terrified to utilize

I spoke my truth in my marriage and other scary places I was holding back

AND, the best part? 

I have fallen in love with MYSELF, quirks and all

For when I was operating from grief and trauma as my unconscious leading actor in my life, I had just a critical judgy bitch mentality.   It was stifling and shut me down more than I realized.

“Who was I to be happy?” she said

Shouldn’t I be grieving or feeling “bad”? she said

“Who was I to express my deepest most vulnerable emotions?”

Even the most painful ones?   Of fear, guilt and shame (not just grief)

And sadly I had listened to her for far too long

I had been a very empathic child and was taught it wasn’t ok to share emotions, especially if they were “too much”

So I felt that I couldn’t share them anymore and it was best to suppress them

However, once I let that shit go….I was able to move beyond and allow those feelings to show up

To hold space for myself and those amazing emotions

And now I want to help women who are in the 40-60 year old range have a 66 day program that I created and curated that I wish I would have had!

You deserve to be in sacred space and held

To allow your emotions to flow

This program is especially ideal for 40-60 year old professional or entrepreneurial women who have gone thru a major life transition and are grieving (death, divorce, empty nesting, moving, sudden abandonment wound activated thru some deep loss) and you are feeling lost or like you are having some kind of a midlife crisis!