PART 1 – COMING FROM TRUE CHOICE

When I spoke with my spiritual mentor, Franco (who has been on my podcast twice as of this writing), he shared with me I was too focused in my analytical mind. 

In his book, The Closet Spiritualist, he reminded me we have two sides of the brain – right and left.  

And most of the time, many of us (if we’re honest) are really only using the analytical side – the side that drives our decisions.  Our thinking mind. The left side of our brains.  

I realized he was right!  (get the fun in that, he is “right!”)

I was all about my to-do lists.

I was all about the tactics – the strategies – the sales – the numbers – the logic – the ideation.

I had lost sight of my spiritual Self – my inner Knowing. Lost sight of my “Right” brain abilities – spending almost zero time with that side.

I had lost sight of my imagination – my intuition – the feeling – creative artist that lies within that right brain.

I had lost sight of my own Truth, as a result.

I was way out of balance

This set me on an inner journey of the heart – our second brain in our body – that often was stuffed away.  Tucked away in a box somewhere.

That heart is my inner child – my Spirit guide – I believe your inner child too! 

This child LOVED to play – to laugh – to imagine.

But I had squashed that inner child – that brain got locked up and forgotten.

Have you ever had that happen?

Where you lost yourself?

In 2021 – I slowed down to reflect…..really slowed down and went within.

To reconnect with not only that Inner child and heart brain…..but to also uncover what was it that caused me to truly lose myself…..what got me here where I was numb and driven to work too much – to drink too much – to shut off my creative Self.

I started attending spiritual retreats that offered up psychedelic plant medicine with shamanic healers and messages of going within.

For I couldn’t shut off my analytical “mind” without it

I couldn’t simply just meditate

Within these spiritual journeys I visited my past – I visited some dark moments – some fears

And I visited some amazing loving moment and memories too.  (more to come on all of that later)

And I remembered a pivotal turning point within that searching state I found myself in 2015.   I found myself completely and utterly lost that year.

Life had gotten the best of me at this moment – I remember struggling to pay bills, with two young kids under the age of 7 and trying to figure out who I was and which direction I was headed as a leader, as a salesperson/business owner, as a mom and as a wife.

Fear had got the best of me.  I realized I was driven by and addicted to fear.

Somewhat heart wrenching as I realize now that it was ONE moment where I hung in a very vulnerable state….a moment where I was searching for truth outside of myself.

I didn’t trust me anymore – I didn’t trust what I had to think or say or feel.

I had lost faith in my own truth – so I looked outside for it.

In 2015, someone whom I greatly admired and respected.  Someone who appeared to “have it all” – the money, the cars, the house, the prestige, the family, the travel, etc., gave me their opinion (which was fact to them) that was the opposite of what I believed to be true in that moment.

They had taken me under their wing as my mentor

And I asked them a question I will never ever forget

The answer I got set the course for my path, which (for better or worse) led me to stay addicted to fear, to not trust myself, to stay in my left analytical brain and never listen to my intuition (until 2021, that is!)

“Where do you find balance in your life?”  I asked – as I noticed they were constantly working, constantly on the phone, constantly on the move, 7 days a week.

“Balance?” they laughed  “To be successful, there is no such thing, as balance.”

And I believed them.

It shocked me to hear them laugh and deny what I had believed was true for me for so long

But they had to be right, right?  They had “it all”

They must know what they are talking about…..

From that moment on, I was on the proverbial hamster wheel of stuffing down my emotions and not listening to my intuition – even though at that very moment my intuition was very triggered by their response.

Believing that I had to work hard – non stop, in fact – to achieve “success”

To be “Somebody” I had to work hard and “never let them see me sweat”

It seemed I surrounded myself with many “sombody’s” in this moment actually – people driven by the left brain analytical mind

Chasing success and money and power

That “some-a-day” it would all pay off if we just “put in the time”, no matter what we sacrificed along the way.

I felt into codependent behavior (even though didn’t realize that until much later) and truly was in an unconscious cycle of work hard/play hard

BALANCE IS POSSIBLE

Up til that moment where I decided to listen to this person’s belief, adopting it as my own, I had led a very very balanced life – filled with evidence that the two sides of my brain, as well as my heart brain, were showing me that there very much is balance in this life.

I had made a lot of money and competed in Ironman triathlons all the while being a regular volunteer in my spiritual community AND traveling the world.   I wrote my first book during that time and felt fully alive!

All based on my own Truth – that balance is simply working with both sides of our brain (both sides of our highest and best Self).   And being connected to all three brains in our body – the head, the heart and the gut brains.   To honor each and every purpose those three possess (thought, love and nourishment OR mind/body/Spirit)

Some call it the balance of the Divine Feminine and Masculine energies.  Knowing when to work – knowing when to rest.  Knowing when to push – when to pull.  When to create and play and when to analyze and run the numbers.  When to honor the shadow or rest in the light.

Some call it the yin and the yang.  Yin Yang symbol represents that there is bright side in the darkness and dark side in brightness.

Some call it counter balance – where there are themes in your life that are stronger for a time than others and you shift with what winds are blowing for you in that moment.

What do you say balance is to you?

Up til 2015 – I had never been a workaholic, nor a heavy drinker…..but soon after that fated moment where I believed someone else’s “truth” about balance – I became both soon enough

I had to ask – how the hell did I get so out of balance so easily?

I felt so broken – so lost…..filled with my own shame and personal judgment

When I broke down crying during my spiritual retreats in 2021, one of my new friends and fellow attendees, reached over and told me “You’re not broken”

She referred me to this book, “You’re Not Broken” by Christopher Michael Duncan

Inside of that book he made it so simple!

We are born in balance – we are born perfect.

We simply BE ourselves – BE our truth and focus on what we love and everything comes to us

It’s that simple

And yet somewhere along the way – we take in people/places/things and events that shape our perceptions in life.

We take on belief or “identities” based upon a majority of our lives that cause us to believe there is something wrong with us

That we are, in fact, broken

Here is a list of these 6 beliefs/identities

Can you relate to any of these?

When I read that list….it dawned on me, that I grew up struggling with being perceived as “perfect”.  That I had to be “right” and not ever “wrong” or “bad”

I had chosen to be the “good girl”

I grew up raised by a single dad, my parents divorced when I was 4 or 5 due to my mom’s struggles with decades of schizophrenia and I truly was “abandoned” a lot as a kid. 

Tossed about in different homes, foster care and many well meaning aunts and uncles and friends’ homes, however, never very long in a stable and consistent environment for several years.   I had to create my own reality and decided at a very young age – that everything had to be perfect.

What about you?

Did any of those 6 beliefs or identities resonate with your own experience?

TO BE CONTINUED…….